I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
I think he's having people over to watch him get way too drunk again
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
Randomize
