omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
we just made rock paper scissors into a drinking game
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
I'm not saying you did or didn't sleep with him but he's has your thong hanging from his ceiling fan
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
If my dildo had feelings, they. Would've deffinately been hurt. He put that toy to shame..
i bet he makes cat noises to excite himself.
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