i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
Lets get really high and only speak Spanish to each other again tonight
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
I'm not saying Tijuana was a bad idea, I'm saying that we make poor life choices. And Steve was robbed by the police.
I was grinding on people that were grinding. Nonconsensual.
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
Randomize
