there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
Quick question. What's the protocol on going back to a bar after going home with one of their bartenders?
Go back and try to find another to go home with.
we played dirty jenga the drinking edition... some girl really just broke a rib? how do we even go this hard
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
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