The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
I'm going to fuck him so hard that his dick is going to fracture
Glad to see your being a lady about this
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
Na Im fine, just need to un-grow this vagina I've developed
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
I don't know bro. If a girl makes you cum hard enough that you pull a back muscle, she might be the perfect one to call for a massage on said muscle.
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize
