Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
Made out with a girl in a wheelchair and rode her around while I was blackout. On a new level.
I was dressed as bob Ross as this occurred
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
I'n not even sure we went out, but I know we broke into a cemetery.
So do I get to ride the beginning of the November stache or what?
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
Randomize
