You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
I don't care how hot he got, I can't get past the PTSD flashbacks of the first time he fingered me
and then he tried plucking my nose hairs. lines were crossed.
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
All is not lost. The bondage chair came with repair seals and glue. It's like the knewwwwwww this would happen.
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
Randomize
