Thanks for last night it was amazing as always
What are you talking about
You've got to be kidding me
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
I can blatently call girls sluts here and they think i'm speaking norwegian
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
Wednesdays are like the thursdays of tuesdays... Drink time
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
If anyone ask I'm rushing for brotherhood, not so that this bartender will suck my dick
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
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