so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
I am so horny. It's like all the stress of finals week has relocated to my vagina.
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
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