i kno its fucked up..but id rather sleep it off than seek medical attention right now
i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
Only you would think wine and coffee was an acceptable finals study time mix
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
Props to the guy on crutches playing edward forty hands. Dedicated to drinking games is an understatement.
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
If you dont get laid dressed as Woody Harrelson in Zombieland, I have lost all faith in the men of nw Indiana.
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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