you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
just saw someone whip out a flask during lecture... I think I found a study partner
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
At the party. I feel like I just walked into a lifesize blunt.
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
Our first time hooking up was on New Years and we've managed to hook up every holiday since, I'm hoping this lasts until 2016 just to fulfill my American Holiday sex fantasy I never knew I had
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
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