i can't believe i never thought of this: farticle man
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
All i've done since I got back to my room today is take a three hour nap. Like, I even planned to change my pants and haven't even done that yet.
I made out with him with my retainers in. My drunken hook-ups get lazier and lazier.
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
Good for you, kid with a beer in hand as you walk to your 11 am class.
I thought this was a dry campus.
That means you have to bring your own beer from home.
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
I figure I since I made out with him that I at least had to save his number in my phone.
Randomize
