so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
how am i supposed to spank it to a shakira video when she looks like she is doing the robot?
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
think he just told me if I need to shit I should go outside.
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
dude ur drinkin a beer not ta capri sun. lose the straw
Well I had to use a seat cushion at Soul Cycle today so, yeah, I'd say the sex was good
I remember grabbing your ass. So firm. So right. I don't regret it.
you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.
YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
Randomize
