he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
I don't remember her name, but I do remember yelling at her from the balcony of the hotel room during her walk of shame.
Just woke up and stopped at the WaWa in Virginia. Had major morning wood and didn't try to hide it when walking around. So many awkward stares.
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
She literally just puked and rallied AT HER OWN WEDDING. Welcome to White Trash town, America.
The countdown is at hand. We are 15 days from so much Jameson that names will be forgotten. Prepare your liver now or severe projectile vomiting will be the theme of the night.
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
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