Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
Sangria Flip Cup was probably one of our worse drunken decisions
I do remember that in my dream I wasn't impressed with his dick.
well you did quote socrates while playing beer pong and then proceeded to fall down
So um... You probably shouldn't post that picture of me and your crotch just because that's a new level of raunchiness that I'm not willing to accept yet
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