They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
i'm pretty sure you said "blowjob marathon" lastnight
i totally said that
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
not much just sitting outside his bathroom door naked eating cheetoes. You?
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
Is it just me or does the sex still keep getting better? I wasn't crying, my eyes just watered from how hard I was cumming.
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
Look, he's a hot korean guy with a motorcycle and a great ass. I'm gonna do head-titingly kinky shit with him.
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize
