I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
Are you going to tell your therapist we boned?
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
Yes we can sext. I'm taking my socks off.
Randomize
