saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
And my only real exposure to Russian culture is you and Internet porn.
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
the old man that you threw the shoe at says "hi" and many rude words...
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
So far I consider it a great summer because I have had to buy Plan B a total of zero times
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
thats all i want out of life, to get high and watch weiner dog races
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
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