I may just buy something cuz i have 6 weddings in the next year and a half.
Holy shittt I don't even have a bf
My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
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