Ummmm the art teacher neighbor asked me to pose nude for her art class for cash.
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
YOU UNCULTURED BADGER
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
Randomize
