I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
IDK but this explains my bloody dashboard.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
So your best guy friend eats your pussy once and a while, no big deal. It's like going to jiffy lube once and a while to let the professionals do it. Your husband should understand .
Id fuck him but only at his house and he had to stay im bed till i left. He only works upper body. It just creeps me out how tiny his legs are
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
I've finally done it, I've downloaded some messenger lesbians like to use because some girl wanted to flirt.
Congrats, you're all grown up now.
I FEEL LIKE A GAY BUTTERFLY
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
Randomize
