Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
69 is so not fun when his penis is sporting a 70s hairstyle
I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
He kept starring at my ass and repeating "Its Just a beautiful piece of artwork."
Does he know anything about your personal life besides what you look like without clothes on?
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
Randomize
