Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
I need some transition time from spring break.. can we day drink between classes this week?
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
It started with jello shots. It ended with tears.
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
at what point last night did i get this tattoo of an anchor made of dicks?
around eleven
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
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