paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
It wasn't awkward until he started humming the Rocky theme song in the middle of fucking
You need to find a way to go down on me and lick my toes at the same time
I'll google it
Yes, she did suck your dick in the bathroom to wake you up.
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
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