I blew a .224 after sleeping for 6 hrs, cleary im a champion
he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
The best revenge is premature balding
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
Randomize
