my sisters under your porch take her home
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
dude, i turned on the light and asked if they were ok and they STILL didn't stop. Most determined sex EVER.
Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
If pulling your dick out counts as a hobby that is his.
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
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