Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
Girl, we were harassing people from the top of a building. I don't know how I got down, but I'm eating chocolate cake in my kitchen. Sall good yo.
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
You were only speaking with either thumbs up, thumbs down, or high fives haha
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
But I think I successfully seduced her with my alias.
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