My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
She was perfectly content just sitting in the middle of everyone blowing bubbles in the air.
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
Also I'm 95 percent positive we ate food naked together
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
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