I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
I am now Facebook friends with Donkey Lips from Salute Your Shorts
if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
James is trying to butt-heads with a moose. I don't know whether I should stop him or just sit back and watch where this goes.
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
I thought i was doing pretty well but I walked into my first class and everyone on my side of the room immediately asked how drunk and high I was
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
Randomize
