im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
God she is annoying. I am only keeping her around on fb because I want to see if her baby comes out looking like an alien or not.
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
He was on top and as he finished he yelled "I love gold" , so yeah I'm seeing him later tonight
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
Randomize
