she kept yelling 'call me bella'
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
Do you ever make guys send you dick pictures just cause it's hilarious?
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
Randomize
