She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
everytime someone famous vagina shows up in pics, i have to go check my own vagina to make sure mine dont look all wrinkledy and flabby like that....i want my lips plump and succulent
I then asked the hardee's employee: mam, do you mind if i pay 75 cents in cash and then put the 1.13 on my debit card.
I love how you are more concerned with what i call my penis than the fact i wanna bone some high school chicks
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
He also informed us that it's rude to shove your tit in someone's mouth. Happy Monday.
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
I have never encountered a chode in the wild
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
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