we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
cat food counts as protein by the way
she acted like she'd never seen someone do speed off of a desk with a rolled up receipt. and she calls herself a grad student.
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
You SHOULD feel empty, we were at the top of our game, and by that i mean snorting things we don't understand and only a few steps away from adultery.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
I told him i turn boys gay hoping that would scare him off. Finally i found a way to take advantage of my disability.
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
I just wanna know if were done hooking up so I know of that condom he left in my top drawer is fair game
Randomize
