adderall just fell out of my nose in class. guy next to me just nodded.
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
She deserves a chance to suck my penis. This is America. Its her God given right.
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
Mostly what I remember is someone saying "raise your hand if you're too turnt" then raising my hand and falling
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
My boobs keep hanging out of this shirt. I think thats the style I'm going for tonight
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
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