No touching my privates on the ride to school. Pinky swear.
so when we were booking the hotel and plane tickets for vegas we reserved a chapel for someone, it's inevitable.
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
He's got that kind of dick that just MAKES me cheat on my boyfriend. It deserves a trophy. Really you should give it ride sometime.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
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