I'm 3 blocks south of you watching drag queens.
I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
You cheat on me once, shame on me. You cheat on me with a white girl, it's fucking over
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
hows the party?
ists fjcssing insceredle
be there in 10
I fucked him in the bathroom at Cedar Point. if it hadn't been for me already combining my two favorite things in the world the whole bathroom thing would have been a little disgusting.
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
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