I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
And for your info. Don't pee outside with glow sticks. People will still see you.
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
he appreciated my fucking vagina for two hours he can appreciate my honesty
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
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