mmm... i enjoy making beautiful women smile
Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
Like I said, all hypothetical...unless, of course, you'd be into that. My heart may skip a beat.
It’s a 10 inch dick! Of course I’m getting a Brazilian
Randomize
