She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
Outside the community dumpsters: beer bottles and a carton of orange juice. Looks like we were here.
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
Don't worry about it. Anal sex isn't always sunshine and wildflowers.
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
Randomize
