Will you blow on my dice?
The Worst (noun)- 1. Getting up at 6am after a night of drinking. 2. Wearing a Peter Rabbit costume.
Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
My doc was like ur only supposed to have 6 sexual partners..thats just one semester at college
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
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