all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
he went up stairs with nothing on but calvin klein's and an eskimo hat, said hi to her dad, got a doughnut, and left like it was an everyday thing
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
Randomize
