It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
The usual, bring face make up, I have a weird gash on my nose, probably from my one night stand
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
Spent the majority of my senior year drunk. Graduate of 2011, I think 2011. Probably.
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
Randomize
