I hate all girls vehemently.
i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
So getting drunk in honor of the bomb threat is legit right?
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
There were grown college boys running around north campus in capes with nerf guns. If security were to be called I think they would just give them more beer.
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
Randomize
