oh and i really hope miley falls off this mountain she is climbing
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
4 girls bringing me taco bell. this is what dreams are made of.
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
Tbh I would eat a grilled cheese off your dick.
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
Randomize
