i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
fuck your aforementioned shoe
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
I can't wait for round whatever # we're on tonight.
no one is here. wer drinking in the beer garden in the dark and we stole a bucket of blue paint off the sidewalk. now her legs are blue.
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
I woke up half naked on the floor next to his bed, and his cat was staring at me like it had seen everything that i myself don't remember..
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
THIS IS SO HOT. BYE PANTIES.
Randomize
