My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
There comes a time in a man's life when he's almost thirty he just needs to stop watching Degrassi. This is that time.
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
New fuck buddy and long time fuck buddy are carpooling home for thanksgiving. #10hrconvoaboutmyblowjobskills
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
this place is dumb. no one understands my Sunday morning alcoholism here.
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
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