I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
Only catch is you have to sleep in the same bed as me. But no worries, I plan on being in a random guys hotel room every night. So it's essentially yours.
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
Yep. My memoirs will be called "A Slore Worth Mentioning"
I beer bonged before it even hit 4 o' clock. Please get on my level homecoming style.
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
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