My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
The world would have a new energy source if someone would just take a blacklight to the backseat of that slut's car
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
They wouldn't let me hang out the sun roof and sing apple bottom jeans in the drive thru of hardee's i think i no longer like these ppl
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
i have a strong feeling that today will be a naked day for me...i don't feel like doing shit
we finally found him at 2 am. he was 3 miles from the house and tried running into the lake when he saw us pull up. i don't think he'll be taking ecstacy again any time soon.
I don’t know how to sext. What do you say? What do you don’t say?
Just start quoting WAP lyrics.
Randomize
