it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
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