I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
I love reading their "i love you more" , "no i love you more" war on facebook today knowing that he hooked up with me last night. I bet i know who wins that one.
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
I've never seen an uncircumcised penis. I mean in person. I've clearly seen an uncircumcised penis. I have the google.
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
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