somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
her facebook's as public as her vagina
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
Y'all best leave this "I can only have a couple drinks" shit at the door. U don't drive to Yukon to have a shot. I'm getting u fuckers drunk.
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
Randomize
