Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
You cried for a while then lifted lots of weights then cady's ex put glitter on your tits and then you took a nap. I got you pizza and brought you home. Nothing too exciting.
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
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