girl! he was asleep with his back to me.he farted and i actually felt the wind blow across my leg.nice
A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
I CAME AT YOU WITH RAW FEELING
you grabbed my dick through my pants and hissed at me.
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
I woke up to him yelling "WHO SLEEPS WITH A BEER IN THEIR HAND?!?" this of course, startled me awake and made me spill the aforementioned beer. So I guess the a answer is- not this girl, not anymore. Asshole
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
Randomize
